When I'm Yelling
by Void.Of.Memory
Summary: Magnus is waiting for Alec. But when Alec does show, Magnus can tell something is wrong. Bits of Malec, T for some language and subject. Happens sometime between CoA and CoG.


**Hello to you Fanfiction! Just a small Malec fic. Enjoy!**

**Characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

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><p>The apartment was silent. Well, as silent as I had ever seen it. Most of the time, there is some sort of noise. A party, the TV, maybe. But right now, it was like the Catacombs of Paris in here. Which I remember being dug out. That was quite a grim time. All those dead people.<p>

Anyhow, back to the point. My current home was quiet. Streamers from the last party were still laying in the corners and empties littered the ground under the couch. I smiled when I recalled the monstrosity my little get together became. Drinking like there was no tomorrow- not that tomorrow mattered for most of my guests. And for those it did matter for, well, they just learned their limits. A small sigh escaped my lips though, when I thought of the one person who hadn't showed. Alec. He had been invited, then reminded twice. Why hadn't he shown? I shook my head, and rose to get the bottles. Cleaning, though I hated it, was the one thing I always did by hand. Old habits, and all that.

Maybe that's why Alec didn't show. Too many Downworlders breaking Laws for him to be able to enjoy the party. It would have put the rest of the guest on edge too. Leave it to Alec to not come for fear of ruining everyone else's time. I smiled to myself as I threw the bottles into the recycling. That boy was something else.

Speaking of whom. He said he'd come over tonight. I threw up my proximity sensors. Damn, there's nothing. Disappointedly, I tossed the last wine bottle into the bin and walked back to the couch. But as soon as I was on the ground, I sat up again. Someone just entered my field. I could tell by the way the presence prickled and tickled the edge of my thoughts that it was Alec. It was his mortality I think. The fact that he could die tomorrow coated his essence in my mind with worry and desperation.

He's young, I reminded myself fiercely. He's still got a good thirty years.

_But how long until he loves someone else?_ Another voice snickered. I violently shoved those thoughts aside and mentally unlock the apartment doors. It would be alright soon. He'd be in my arms soon.

His feet echoed up the steps, sounding lonely. I quickly check my glitter, threw a blanket on the couch and rearranged myself for snuggling. Finally, after what seemed like forever, my door opened.

"Alec, darling." I called out, unable to see him from the angle of my arrangement. "Come here. I've missed you!"

I didn't hear his usual shy greeting. You'd think that after almost a month he would have gotten over the shyness. I didn't really mind so much though- he was adorable.

I heard the door close, a jacket (leather of course), being slung on the table and weapons being unstrapped. But no greeting.

Maybe he's sick. I mused mentally. It would explain his absence.

_Or maybe he's here for some thing else._ The voice mocked.

I ignored it and turned my attention back outward.

He was sunk into the matching chair. His face was hidden in his hands, shoulders hunched against the world.

I sat up slowly. "Alec?"

He jumped and looked up. "Yeah?"

"Are you alright?" I hadn't seen him so openly upset before.

"Yeah, no." I blinked. "I mean, yeah I'm good." he nodded a couple of time, and took a short shuttering breath. "I haven't eaten all day. But I'm fine."

"No, you're not." I got up and sat on the arm of the chair. My (rainbow) leather pants squeaked against the leather or the chair. "What's the matter?"

He stayed quiet. I absently rubbed his neck, but he didn't lean into it like he usually did. "Do you want some tea or some thing?" I offered gently. Still nothing. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Alec look up again like he was just noticing me. "There isn't anything to talk about." I tried to meet his gaze, but his indigo eyes were focused on my carpet. "Really Magnus. I'm good."

"Where were you last night?" I asked, changing the subject. "It would have been fun to have you there."

"Oh right." He muttered. How could he have forgotten? "My parents needed me back at home." He muttered a little louder. He leaned his head on my forearm. "I'm sorry."

I smiled when the heat of his face touched my arm. He was probably just tired- the circles under his eyes could have been bruises. "It's okay." I murmured in return. "You would have had to break up a few fights as it was."

Now he was planting lazy kisses on the inside of my wrist. "Oh really?"

"Uh, yeah." those light brushes of his lips were very distracting. "Couple- of, uh, vampires."

"Those are the worst." He had turned on his seductive voice. I don't think he knew he had one, but when he did use it, I melted.

"Mm." It was all I could manage. The kisses were getting longer. I couldn't wait anymore. I swung my legs over his waist and straddled him.

"Was it stressful?" He asked slowly. I draped my arms over his shoulders.

"Very." I replied saucily. "I think I need to unwind."

Alec smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Have any of that booze left?"

That surprised me. As far as I knew, Alec wasn't one for drinking. I don't think he really approved. "I do indeed." I wasn't going to object though. "What's your poison?"

He looked unsure, but it was only for a second. "Anything."

I shrugged and got off of him, pulling him up by his hand. We walked into the kitchen, my hand tight around his hips.

I grabbed the first non-empty bottle. Didn't bother with cups. "Bottoms up."

He took a swig and almost coughed the first bit up. I hadn't noticed that I had grabbed a two-thirds empty bottle of London Dry Gin. Oops. He finished it off about three shots worth anyhow, his hand slipping a bit as he reached for my face. He hesitated, and so did I. Alec was rather cautious about touching, but his hand seemed quite comfortable against my face. I leaned into it, feeling the roughness of his hand. Hot damn, even his hands turned me on. Our eyes met and I could read the lust in his face.

Our lips met clumsily, the gin burning against my mouth. Our tongues wrestled each other, and his other hand was creeping down my midriff. I untucked his shirt and put one hand on his spine. He was warm and I could feel his heart pumping fast as hell. He lowered us into a kitchen chair, not exactly the sturdiest thing for this sort of business. Alec didn't seem to care though, and went at me with unusual gusto.

What was up with him? Not that I really minded, but still. He seemed so upset earlier; I'd use booze and another person to loose myself in if I was having that bad of a day.

Hold on... Maybe that's what he was doing.

"Alec." I spoke between his now one- sided kisses. He had moved off my lips and was going at my jaw line, which was odd. I hadn't shaved yet, and I knew he hated beard rash- or anything else that could give him away.

"Alec, stop." I tried pushing him, but one hand was anchored in my hair. The other one had past my belt. "Alec, stop it."

Finally, he leaned back. "What's the problem?" He asked. The gin hadn't hit yet at least.

"You never come at me. You don't drink. And you always ask if I'm here when you come in." I listed my proof. "What is going on?"

He stood and took a few steps back. "I said it was nothing."

"Nothing is always something." I replied back. I hated to use magic against Alec, but I felt as if I was going to have to if I wanted to know what was wrong.

"Just leave it alone!" He growled angrily. Completely different than his sexy voice. "I'm fine!"

I nearly rocked back on my heels. Was this boy PMSing or something? "No, I won't." I went over and wrapped my arms around him, tightening them when he struggled. "Tell me."

He went limp. Alec never could resist talking to me. His heart was still pounding, but his skin was cold. "Jace... He..."

Bam. There it was. Jace. Again. STILL. I stepped away from the Shawdowhunter like he was contagious.

"What about him?"

Alec was looking up at me with those big, baby blues. It was so hard to stay mad at someone so adorable, but it was easy to hold a grudge against that snarky blonde kid.

"I- I don't know, he..."

I shut my eyes and sighed. I understood Alec's behavior now. He had been rejected again. And now I, the lowly Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, with my rainbow- leather clad ass, was the second choice, of Alec Lightwood.

"Alec, why are you here?"

He stood from the chair, his fists clenched. He wasn't looking at me. "I wanted to see you." He stumbled over the words- a complete lie.

"No you're not." I snapped. Did he think I couldn't read him like a book? "You're here because you got rejected, again, by Jonathan."

Surprised he looked up. Now that he was finally looking at me, I could see the pain in his eyes. He might have wanted to see me, but I wasn't wrong either. Then Alec blinked, and a carful mask had gone up

"What do you mean 'again'?" His voice was low and fragile.

I probably should have been more empathic. I had gone though what Alec had a butt load of time. When you live forever, love just comes and goes. But for someone like me, who swings both ways, it's not as hard. Only more awkward. So yes, I've been rejected by people who refused to have competition from both ends, or some other reasons. And I have been rejected by straight men. But I didn't sniffle after them like I could make them change their minds. What Alec was doing- it cast an allegoric shadow of what happened to me. I am what I am, and no body can change that, not even me. I made peace with myself over that long ago.

"This is not the first time Alexander." I turned away from him, my voice dripping with venom.

"What's your point?" He demanded. He was beginning to slur his words and angry undertones hid between them. "Is that not the purpose of loving? To practice the motions so you know what to do when the right person comes around?"

"Then should I break up with you right now so you know what it's like to have a real relationship ended?"

I didn't feel awful until I turned back around and saw Alec's face. He looked so utterly betrayed. I certainly had to gather myself. I was tired of listening to Alec's pathetic whining about Jace. I had been meaning to address this problem, but now seemed like a time as good as any.

"Pardon me if I don't have the experience. Couldn't you give me some tips?" Alec spat. "You seem to be good at unhealthy relationships.

It was a blow right to the heart, though I don't think Alec understood how much. Growing up with your parents openly hating you is hard. I had to find love somehow, even if most of them were perverse. And I think he just called me a whore.

I waved my hand in his direction to recognize his point. I had thought I would be able to control this conversation, but once again I underestimated the blue- eyed boy. Now, I just wanted this to be over. Only, Alec wasn't finished.

"And what the hell is this anyway?" He gestured between us. "I'm a Shadowhunter, and you're a what? I hunt down and kill your race." His regard had turned to disgust. "And how old are you? A fuck load older than seventeen, no doubt!"

I could feel his rage building. He was drunk and angry- who knows what he could say. Who knows what I might say. And neither of us could take it back.

"Alec, just-just-" I tried tiredly as I walked back to the couch.

"No, I won't!" He grabbed my shoulder and spun me back to face him. "I am sick of being dismissed!"

For once, I decided snarky comments were probably not a good idea, and kept my mouth shut.

"What's any better or worse in this relationship, than the one I have with Jace?" He yelled.

Looks like the noise was back.

"How is that more wrong than this?" He used large arm movements to accentuate his argument. "I'd get the same looks no matter what I do!"

I shut my eyes. That, I understood too well. I believed I had gotten rid of these problems. I don't want to hear anymore. I thought fiercely.

"And who do you think you are?" He shouted, "Who are you to judge me? Shouldn't you take a look at your self before you say anything?"

"I don't want to hear anymore." I whispered, opening my eyes.

"Magnus, you are-"

"I don't want to hear anymore I said!" I screamed. Moving to grab his hand, or his shoulder maybe. But before I could even touch him, he knocked my hand away. And punch me right in the face.

I felt my nose give away, skin break and blood rush out. It was a solid hit; I relied on magic so I don't remember the last time I did any physical activity outside of going up my stairs. I stumbled back, and, graceful beast of a man that I am, I tripped over nothing and fell over. Alec didn't move to catch me.

We stay like that for a while. I could hear us both breathing hard, our heartbeats echoing in the silence. My floor was magically repellant to dirt and such, so I wasn't worried about staining the hardwoods, but I could feel the blood caking on my face. Eventually, he sat down beside me.

"Magnus, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have used you like that."

Sitting up, I tried smiling. A few bits of blood flaked off.

"When I'm yelling at you, it's not your fault." He continued quietly. "I just don't know what else to do."

"I'd try breaking things." I replied just as quietly. "But you can't summon indefinite things, so it's probably not your best bet."

"I did just break your nose." I could hear the smile in his voice.

"That you did." I gingerly touch the lump of cartilage. "This will have to change."

I snapped my fingers and the awkward breathing vanished. The blood didn't though.

"Hm." I sighed. "I'm a little off tonight."

"Here," Alec stood and held out his hand. "We can wash it off."

"'Kay." I took his hand and he pulled me up. The calluses were rough, but familiar.

My apartment was quite again as we went to the bathroom. Nothing was said as I moved all my pots of glitter and eyeliner pencils. Even as Alec gently washed the blood from my face, we were quiet. I noticed he was careful not to touch me with anything but the cloth.

Finally, as he was wringing out the cloth for the last time, he sighed.

"Magnus, I'm sorry."

"Alec, don't bother. I know I was the one who started this."

He looked at me in the mirror.

"I meant to approach the subject with more tact."

"You mean my crush on Jace?" He asked with a bitter smile.

"Yeah," I gave the same bitter smile. "That."

"I don't know when I'm going to get over that." He murmured.

"You don't have to."

This time, he gave me a surprised look directly in my eyes.

"I want you to stop torturing yourself though." I explained gently. "You don't know what will happen with this, this crush, but you shouldn't have to go and hurt yourself because he doesn't swing the same way." I stood and pressed a slow kiss to his forehead. Was it just me, or did he seem to flinch? "And honestly, I don't want to see you hurt like this. Okay?"

He nodded, but I could tell he still had something he wanted to say.

"Alec, if you have something on your mind..."

He ran his hand through his slightly too long hair. I wonder if I should cut it for him- I could probably do a much better job then him. I don't care how long he's been doing it to him self.

"Magnus are you listening?" He demanded quietly.

"Sorry, what?" reaching over, I ruffled his hair slightly. "I was thinking about how I should cut your hair. Nothing against you darling, but you always miss a spot in the back, and-"

"Magnus, please." He interrupted, moving my hand. "I'm being serious."

Oh no. _What did I tell you?_ The voice cackled.

"I-" He stopped, and looked down at his feet. I did too, and I noticed he hadn't taken off his shoes.

"Alec." I whispered. What was he...?

He looked up at me, his face so pale; I feared he was going to fall over. His mouth was saying words, but I didn't understand them. My brain refused to process what he was trying to tell me. I shook my head slowly.

"I don't understand." I breathed. My heart was hammering and I think my body was going numb. "What are you saying?"

"Magnus, I think we should stop seeing each other." He repeated carefully.

My heart stopped. Not a wimpy little 'skip a beat' shit. No, my heart did not beat for a good few seconds.

"I just think that with this," He gestured around him. "And everything, we should just-" He stopped, as if he was choking, and squeezed his eyes tight.

"Just what Alec?" My voice cracked for the first time in three hundred years. "Just what?"

"Don't make this harder than it needs to be." His eyes were still tightly shut. It was all I could see- the rest of the room was black and out of focus. Tunnel vision? "With everything going on right now, my parents and everything, I just don't think this is a good idea right now."

He opened his eyes. The blue of his eyes was more vivid than I had ever seen it. Was it because I wasn't sure I'd ever see it again?

"Alec, please. You were just drinking..." I started to reach out a hand, but restrained myself. "We can work this out, I'll won't go to your place. I won't push anything on you and you can come over when you want. We can-" I was blabbering, going on about things that wouldn't change what was happening.

"Magnus, stop." He ordered.

I slowly shut my mouth. My breathing had started to echo in my head.

"I'm going." He was talking like I was unstable. Maybe it was because there were tears running down my cheeks. Wait, when did those start? "I don't think I have anything here, but if you do find something of mine, do what ever you want with it."

This cannot be happening. _I told you so._ The voice laughed like this was the funniest joke. _You should have know better._ How could I have known_? Because this always happens to you._ The voice snarled. It had taken on a tone that matched Alec's. _You do things like this, knowing they will end in pain. _

"Magnus?" I broke off from my thoughts, and tilted my head up to see Alec. Since when did I have to look up to him? I looked back down and saw I had sunk to my knees. "Are you okay?"

Sometimes, I don't have control over my face. Like in pictures, no matter how normal I think my face looks; I always end up looking like an idiot. Or like now. I had started crying and hadn't noticed.

And judging by the way Alec nearly broke down as well; my face must have looked pretty fucking sad.

He turned his back to me. "Sorry, that was a stupid question." He sighed. "I'm going now Magnus. I guess I might see you around."

He started to walk out. It would have be pointless for me to try and cry out, to yell at him to stop, come back and explain himself. I know he wouldn't have stopped. And I had no voice at all.

It was like someone had slowed down time. I could see in perfect detail the way his hair flopped up and down as he walked, the holes in the cuff of his sweater, the faint scars on his skin from his lifestyle. His steps echoed, adding to the noise of my pounding heart and my heavy breathing.

It felt like a scene from a movie: the warlock, on his knees, crying, in the warlock's own bedroom. A bloody cloth was on the dresser, and all the stuff on the dresser was flung carelessly onto the bed. The Shadowhunter, not exactly an emotionless robot, walking out, leaving his first love on the floor, no tears on his face.

What the hell kind of movie would that be? A horribly, fucking sad one, that's what kind. Not something anyone would ever want to go see.

Time crept back to normal as Alec stopped at the door, his hand clenched tight against the door jam.

"You know what's funny?" He asked, his voice thick. "I never would have thought this would be me. I never pictured this happening. I never wanted this."

Neither did I, I wanted to say. I always thought it would be me, I didn't think the fragile, blue eyed boy would have it in him. I didn't think it would end this way. I didn't ever think it would end.

But I said none of those things, any of which might have gotten Alec to turn around.

I still couldn't talk.

He started to look back over his should, but must have thought better of it. He shut his eyes again. And kept walking.

Right out the door, right out of my life.

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><p><strong>Did ya like it? Well, either way, Rate, review or comment! <strong>


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